Time. Something we humans grasp by digital clocks, and how long it’s been since that email or notification arrived and you’ve checked your inbox or Facebook. Something that rushes you, or that can drag by in seeming eternity. Something we measure negatively, by wrinkles, deadlines filled with stress and other people business. So very rarely do we take the time to simply be. To process what we experience or are taught. To savor new ideas and let them grow on their own time. To hear our true selves talking to us, and giving us the only advice we should ever take. To just stop and smell the roses.
This is what I wish I had listened to, believed and done before I even came to UC and especially during this last year.
Because I didn’t. I didn’t take the time to listen to myself. To know if the major I had picked by someone else’s advice was something I could do. Of course I can, that’s not the point. But whether I could with my heart in it. And the simple answer was no. I chose the major – electrical engineering - basically because I thought taking time – accepting that I didn’t know what I wanted to do, and still don’t, and being okay with that – and going into Exploratory Studies was a “waste of time” and my reward was a year that yes, taught me a lot, life always does, but was miserable in school. I wanted to get college over with in as short a time as possible with the best major that could open the most doors and opportunities later in life. And I convinced myself engineering could do just that. And I am sure it can. But I no longer want to do it that way, and I will be blessed with all the opportunities I want and need in other ways.
I think it’s taking me until now as I write this, well into the summer, and will probably take me even longer to fully accept, but to just know it is all okay. It will all work out somehow, and taking time is one of the most important things you can do. Listening is another, but let me not get side tracked. The prompt asks what one thing I’d like to change about my experience. I can’t even answer that. Most probably putting more effort into school so I would feel less bad about it at the time, but another part of me says I did all I could in a situation I didn’t believe in. I wish I could change that I hated it so much, but it let me peek into a world I would otherwise not have been exposed to. Computer programming, extreme workload, career fairs, weeding out, interviews, factories, co-ops…engineering is a fascinating world, but not one I wish to focus my life in.
This is what I wish I had listened to, believed and done before I even came to UC and especially during this last year.
Because I didn’t. I didn’t take the time to listen to myself. To know if the major I had picked by someone else’s advice was something I could do. Of course I can, that’s not the point. But whether I could with my heart in it. And the simple answer was no. I chose the major – electrical engineering - basically because I thought taking time – accepting that I didn’t know what I wanted to do, and still don’t, and being okay with that – and going into Exploratory Studies was a “waste of time” and my reward was a year that yes, taught me a lot, life always does, but was miserable in school. I wanted to get college over with in as short a time as possible with the best major that could open the most doors and opportunities later in life. And I convinced myself engineering could do just that. And I am sure it can. But I no longer want to do it that way, and I will be blessed with all the opportunities I want and need in other ways.
I think it’s taking me until now as I write this, well into the summer, and will probably take me even longer to fully accept, but to just know it is all okay. It will all work out somehow, and taking time is one of the most important things you can do. Listening is another, but let me not get side tracked. The prompt asks what one thing I’d like to change about my experience. I can’t even answer that. Most probably putting more effort into school so I would feel less bad about it at the time, but another part of me says I did all I could in a situation I didn’t believe in. I wish I could change that I hated it so much, but it let me peek into a world I would otherwise not have been exposed to. Computer programming, extreme workload, career fairs, weeding out, interviews, factories, co-ops…engineering is a fascinating world, but not one I wish to focus my life in.
I had many freshman experiences I won’t forget however, like those teachers that restore your faith in humanity, and the ones you never wish to see again – all nighters, and sorority sisters. New friends, and Greek week, and enough tears during midterms to traumatize anyone.
I’m grateful for the year, and even more grateful that it’s over. I want to give next year a new start, and it’s definitely a challenge, but President Ono’s cheerful tweets and Facebook statuses provide some pep talking.
I want college to be an enjoyable experience. One where I don’t dread each Monday morning; one where I learn what I’m being taught; one where I can get the most out of what a great university has to offer; one where I can honestly say I’m excited to be there. That one might take a while, but at least I’m trying again.
I’ve grown in that I can learn from this past year. I know I didn’t give myself time, but I’m doing that now. I know that the beginning was rough, but I’m giving it another chance. And I’ve learned that I do not want to go to school to become an engineer. So this coming fall I’m going into Exploratory Studies for a semester. I already have another plan, but I want to take my time before I decide, to see if this is the right choice, and in a non-major division there is no pressure.
I’ve talked with many advisors, being proactive about changing majors, getting their ideas, listening to their experiences and using that to formulate my own plan. There are so many resources at our university, it’d be a shame not to use them, and I’ve made meaningful connections with people that I wouldn’t have, had I not chosen engineering as a start.
And now that I have the luxury of simply relaxing and enjoying my summer, I will do my very best to learn to listen to myself and take a minute to smell the roses. Take the time to learn about myself, and work with the ideas that pop into my head. Rekindle connections with people, lost over the hectic of school. And tell myself as many times as needed until I believe it – that taking time is okay, as long as it’s not wasted. Allowing myself not to finish exactly so, in this much time, as quite alright. If I’ll be happier, and can make other people happier as I go, then it’s all worth it.
I’m grateful for the year, and even more grateful that it’s over. I want to give next year a new start, and it’s definitely a challenge, but President Ono’s cheerful tweets and Facebook statuses provide some pep talking.
I want college to be an enjoyable experience. One where I don’t dread each Monday morning; one where I learn what I’m being taught; one where I can get the most out of what a great university has to offer; one where I can honestly say I’m excited to be there. That one might take a while, but at least I’m trying again.
I’ve grown in that I can learn from this past year. I know I didn’t give myself time, but I’m doing that now. I know that the beginning was rough, but I’m giving it another chance. And I’ve learned that I do not want to go to school to become an engineer. So this coming fall I’m going into Exploratory Studies for a semester. I already have another plan, but I want to take my time before I decide, to see if this is the right choice, and in a non-major division there is no pressure.
I’ve talked with many advisors, being proactive about changing majors, getting their ideas, listening to their experiences and using that to formulate my own plan. There are so many resources at our university, it’d be a shame not to use them, and I’ve made meaningful connections with people that I wouldn’t have, had I not chosen engineering as a start.
And now that I have the luxury of simply relaxing and enjoying my summer, I will do my very best to learn to listen to myself and take a minute to smell the roses. Take the time to learn about myself, and work with the ideas that pop into my head. Rekindle connections with people, lost over the hectic of school. And tell myself as many times as needed until I believe it – that taking time is okay, as long as it’s not wasted. Allowing myself not to finish exactly so, in this much time, as quite alright. If I’ll be happier, and can make other people happier as I go, then it’s all worth it.